EXCLUSIVELY PUMPING

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Pumping breastmilk, feeding by bottle

My lowest point was in a darkened room (to minimize distractions for the baby), clenching my breast in a death grip with one hand while holding a squirming, screaming baby in the other, both of us crying. Then, my newborn infant falling asleep- upset and hungry- and me feeling angry then incredibly depressed.

I bought a breast pump as my last resort to a breastfeeding problem I just didn’t know how to solve. It wasn’t the first solution I thought of either, as it’s got a high-cost barrier. After trying breast shields and becoming disillusioned of lactation “consultants” at the hospital, I decided to go all-in with a pump before giving in to formula.

I got a double electric breast pump that my husband found on sale, and prayed it would work. I’d read pumping didn’t work for some women and dreaded to find that I’d spent all that money in vain.

There was no learning curve as it’s a straight-forward instruction of plugging in the machine and putting the cups up to the breasts. The pain curve, however, was steep. If you don’t need to pump, I definitely do no recommend it. I’m sure it could be used as a form of torture. I’d have given up all my secrets to make it stop.

We are amazing creatures of adjustment though and this, used continuously, multiple times a day, was no exception. I learned to prepare my breasts before pumping with some massage, using olive oil on my nipples and not using soap when washing my chest area all helped to improve the experience. My milk coming in helped most of all.

I bought a hands-free bra.

My body learned to associate the awful droning motor as pumping time and I found my let-down became efficient. I was able to exclusively feed breastmilk in a couple of weeks and weaned her off formula completely. This was such a triumph and I was very proud of myself.

I had gotten my supply up relatively quickly and was able to freeze extra- although I felt I was producing more than enough, I was deathly afraid it would suddenly one day dry up. I bought special freezer bags and lovingly marked and dated each one. I looked at pictures of women who had an entire freezer worth of breastmilk in wonder.

According to the online world, I was doing a fine job. Yes, my baby was drinking from a bottle, but she was still getting all the benefits of breastmilk! What a great job I was doing! Then I went to the pediatrician. He seemed skeptical that I could last a year pumping. Then he quizzed me how much she was drinking. He encouraged me to encourage her to drink more.

I was under the impression that especially infants should feed on demand and for as long or little as they wanted. I always let her have her bottle and left it at her mouth until she stopped. However, I’d also read that you shouldn’t try to get the baby to finish a bottle just because it felt like a waste. I wholly agreed with this. But because he was a doctor, his words haunted me.

I began to put the bottle back in her mouth after she’d first turn away. This did increase her intake, and in the beginning when their stomachs are so very little and every millilitre makes a difference. I feel guilty to this day that I force fed her. Seriously #momguilt. It’s a thing.

I was pumping every 2-3 hours, around the clock. At about the month mark, I dropped the 3 am pump session and instead worked my other pump times around so I didn’t go for too long without pumping. I was ecstatic when this didn’t seem to affect the output too much.

After about 3 months, I eased off as her demand settled into a relatively predictable amount and I learned it wouldn’t increase. Also, I felt I had enough in the freezer for the times she would want extra during teething or growth spurts. When I cut back on another session, however, my supply dropped significantly.

I had gotten used to depending on the extra milk pumped “just in case”. Dropping a bottle of freshly expressed milk while trying to cap it half asleep for example, was not a disaster. I still cried about it though. When my supply became just enough, I freaked out.

There are forums and articles written by women who’ve been through it and thank goodness, because I found out about power pumping. It’s even got a term that sounds nice and familiar, like a class I might take at the gym, right?

Power pumping is all about tricking your body into thinking baby needs more milk by pumping for short spurts for a long time. It’s not recommended for extended periods. I found a couple days would do the trick. This ability to seemingly turn my supply up and down eased my worries significantly.

At around 6 months, I started experiencing feelings I can only describe as depressing. I felt like a cow. Literally and figuratively. After losing 20 of the 60 pounds I’d gained during pregnancy, the weight had stopped dropping. I hardly went out, and went weeks in pajamas. And I was literally milking myself. Ugh.

I decided to drop another session. The freedom I felt after dropping each session showed me a ray of light at the end of the tunnel, but it still seemed far off and the initial feelings of lightness didn’t last. My supply went down again, but I knew I could power pump if I needed to.

Just out of curiosity, I defrosted a pack of milk from the freezer. It smelled foul. Apparently this can happen to some women’s milk during the chemical changes that occur in freezing it. I then read that I needed to scald and cool it before freezing to eliminate this (Stinky Defrosted Milk), but I decided this extra step was not one I wanted to start. I stopped freezing the surplus.

By month 8 I was ready to call it quits. My goal of 12 months seemed forever away. But I was stubborn, and kept at it. I was miserable. I dropped another session.

One side of my pump died around this time. I suddenly noticed I was producing a lot less from a breast that used to produce the most. I discovered one pump was losing suction. I contacted the manufacturer in a panic and explained that I was exclusively pumping. I found their customer service very helpful and they sent a replacement with expedited shipping. I used the one working side on both breasts in the meantime.

I was enthusiastically weaning so that breastmilk would be a secondary source of food. But a baby without teeth will only eat so much, so I power pumped when I felt the need.

Month 11 came around and my stubborn streak ended. I felt I had given it my all and the time was right. The day I stopped pumping felt strange. Like a prisoner that is suddenly let out and doesn’t know what to do, I was at a loss with so much free time. This didn’t last long with a baby that was trying to walk.

I threw out the pump and all its accessories without a second glance and haven’t looked back. (You need to completely stop pumping gradually to prevent engorgement and clogged ducts! Cabbage leaves in the bra worked wonders for me.)

It’s hard to say if I would recommend exclusively pumping to others. I’m supremely satisfied that I gave my baby breastmilk. But when I look back, I remember it as a dark time, which it shouldn’t be- the first year of your baby’s life. If you’re adamant about breastmilk only for your baby, and nursing isn’t working for you, yes, by all means, try exclusive pumping. I was this way. And I did it. For nearly a full year. You can too! It’s definitely doable.

But when breastfeeding didn’t work the second time around, I didn't pump with my son. Not only did I have a walking, talking, demanding 2-year old in the picture, I could plainly see the emotional lows I would hit. I felt like a baby under 1 may not notice her mother’s moods, but a toddler certainly would. But mostly, I didn’t want to do it.

I don’t regret that choice either.

#momguilt.